DASHED HOPES: I counted days, I counted miles, to see you there – grieving for the loss of a dream as terror threat sees concert cancelled

I’m sitting in a hotel room in Vienna, Austria, crying my eyes out. I am grieving the loss of a dream. I am grateful that people were kept safe. I am so, so thankful for the protection of life. All of this exists at once. I am feeling all of this deeply and battling to process any of it. 

After more than a year of planning, making friendship bracelets, singing out loud and screaming my excitement from the rooftops, I feel crushed. Today is the day. It’s 8 August, MY Eras Tour date. It was supposed to be one of the best days of my life. Taylor starts her show with the line from Miss Americana and the Heartbreak Prince off of her Lover album: “It’s been a long time coming.” That moment is one that has occupied my brain multiple times a day for the 394 days since the day the tickets landed in my inbox. 

“I counted days, I counted miles, to see you there, to see you there,” she sings. And I did. 

Very real threat

I never imagined, in my wildest dreams, that the very real threat of a terrorist attack would lead to the Vienna shows (8, 9 and 10 August) being cancelled less than 24 hours before that moment. 

Booking Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour tickets is no small feat. It’s called The Great War (the title of a Taylor Swift song, of course) for a reason. Myself and my bestie (friendship bracelets and all) have spoken for years about the crazy prospect of flying somewhere to see Taylor live. She got us through heartbreaks, she was there for our celebrations, she voiced our emotions on so many levels every single day for so many years. Maybe we could do it, we said. We could do the crazy thing. 

When the Eras Tour was announced, we knew this was it. This was the ultimate celebration of 18 years of music and, now in the later stage of the show, 11 albums (or eras). We had to go. We registered to purchase tickets in all of the European countries. We had spreadsheets of the ticket codes we managed to get and where we were waitlisted. We took days off of work and life to sit and get the tickets. We would go where we got tickets. If Taylor wasn’t coming to South Africa, we’d go to her. 

Another friend shared how important it was to her to attend and, as Swifties do, we welcomed her into the fold with open arms. We started the group chat… Project 13, named for Taylor’s lucky number. 

I have felt grief many times, so I know the cavern it creates in your heart and body. I know the hollow ache, the cycling through tears and searching for control and attempts to find logical reasons and answers. 

I know this isn’t the same as the loss of life, but the sadness feels just as deep today. It might not last as many years, but today it’s right at the surface. A dream is lost and I can’t fix it. There’s nothing I can do. 

Protection of life

I know that the protection of life is so much more important than myself, or any other Swiftie in this city, going to the show. We are safe. 

I sat with my friends, who travelled from South Africa with me, in a coffee shop in Vienna yesterday and we spoke about our joy that we were so close to our dream. We did it. It’s real, and it’s happening, we said. We spoke about how amazing this shared, beautiful, somewhat unhinged, community is. We laughed about what ridiculous measures we took to get here, to make this dream happen. 

I hugged my small children (aged one and five) goodbye through many tears at the airport, telling them that mommy was going on a big adventure. 

“Sometimes you have to be brave and do things that are hard when it’s super important to you,” I said, “I’m sad to leave you and I’m excited that this is happening, and both of those things can take up space in my heart together.”

The Eras Tour was, in my mind, The Tour. It’s the ultimate Taylor experience. It won’t happen like it is in its current form again. The dream is gone and I know I’m repeating myself but there is no way to get it back. Even if I could still get tickets for another country, I can’t afford to pull this off again. It was a mammoth task to begin with. 

As always, Taylor Swift lyrics are there to help me process my emotions. I feel like what was supposed to be my sparkling summer is well and truly rusted, but I can do this, I can enjoy this trip, with a broken heart. 

I have a friendship bracelet for Taylor. I didn’t know how I’d get it to her, but if anyone knows a way… I’d like to try to give it to her and show her that it’s okay. I know she’s feeling this today, too. She doesn’t cancel a show unless she really has to. I’m just happy she’s safe and that all of the fans in this city today are okay, under the circumstances, and going home to their families. I can’t bear the thought of the fear and loss of life that could have happened. 

I don’t know what could fix this, but Taylor, if you see this, dropping Reputation (Taylor’s Version) would really help. We love you. DM